IN SEARCH OF ME

I'm one of those. Those who moved around..a lot!

I moved to USA when I was 23. And for the next 19 years years, I moved for a total of 11 times. I can't seem to find a perfect place for me. I had a relationship before I got married the first time. That relationship produced a son. That was it. Now, I'm 43 and regretting that I didn't insist on having another one. I was married the first time at 23. My then husband didn't want any more children. He had a daughter from the previous marriage. So I raised both. That marriage lasted 9 years. I'm on my second marriage, a failing one at that. After 8 years this time, I feel it's over. No blame game this time. It just sort of fell apart. Or maybe I did. It doesn't matter now. I have accepted somehow that I don't really belong to anyone. Heck, I don't even belong to me.

What is it that I'm searching for? I don't even know. I just found out my purpose in life lately, though - that is to help my fellowmen. I have even realized how I'm going to do that. But until I'm there, I can't really tell myself I've arrived. I have to focus really hard so as not to lose myself again. I didn't even know I was lost until lately. So, that's good news.

These realizations are what keep me sane these days. It's much easier to just let go but I know I must go on - loving myself this time. For it is in loving myself that I may be able to love others. It is in giving me first, in order to give to others. I have to be healed first, to have the strength to heal people.

I have to forget what I'm searching for. Instead, I'll let fate find me...