the universe within

after midnight
awake fully
sleepy really
but slumber not

soul turning
mind running
where from here
so far and so near

kiss thy face
lost in my dream
state of numbness
come stay please

understand not
the universe within
plays out the truth
the quest till when

UNTITLED

different path
different light
sameness stays
inside of me.

lightyears away
here it will stay
smile from then
kept deep within.

when darkness stayed
the same face did
youth in mind
sanity saved.

i am here
you are here
from the start
and then now.

Patience..or the lack of it!

When God bestowed patience on earth it seems I was absent. They said patience is a virtue, then I don't have that virtue. I'm not talking about patience to a child, or patience where it is needed. I went to school and had a degree and went through a rigorous training and all that. I'm talking about patience on becoming happy. I have been so patiently waiting to be happy - until now at 44, it hasn't come. I am not an unhappy person, it's quite the contrary. I am known by family and friends as a very happy, cheerful, positive human being.. if they only knew. Deep inside I'm craving for that true contentment of having someone who totally loves me unconditionally, and thinks the world of me.. maybe it's not my destiny..
I have given and given and usually doesn't get anything in return... and to the world I am not complaining..I complain here in my blog, and very few people among my friends knew this exists..And I prefer that way.. if I can change someone's perspective and help out someone from my lessons in life and journey, that would be enough for me. I don't want pity or anyone patronizing me. I say what's in my mind and I feel free to say anything I want in this blog..that for a moment I feel connected - to no one in particular..and to everyone.. somehow.

Broken

I'm starting to believe that I am to live by myself for the rest of my life - that I belong to no one and yet I belong to everyone.. I have to focus on helping others through this Empowering Workshop I am formulating. I need no one to do this. And yet deep in my heart I am wishing there's someone who can hold my hand and help me guide through this. I have to be strong and learn not to rely on anyone.

Two broken marriages in 18 years - series of broken hearts, broken hopes and broken dreams... I just want a happy ending..maybe not of this world, then...

The Renewal Tour

I'm about to embark to a different chapter of my life. Starts with a bang - I'm on an 18 day vacation tour to Europe - starting tomorrow. A celebration and respite at the same time. End and beginning collides. But I refuse to live on either times. I am living in the present, where I am in between. There are no more indecisiveness this time. With full speed ahead I have lots of plans - the future is bright, exciting and full of life. No need to shed a tear, for that has been done so many times in the past. With a smile in my heart i am welcoming the future by relishing the moment - now! I am happy, maybe a bit apprehensive at the same time, but not worried anymore. I have put all my trust and care to the Lord. Thy will be done!

revelation

i just realized today, i can be complete without a man. i don't have to have someone's arm around me to make me feel whole...

walking along one of the most romantic places on earth - lake tahoe area - with my cousins with their sweeties, did not make me feel lonely. i was happy!

this realization didn't dawn on me until now, hours later, in the middle of the night. i usually wake up in times like this, lonely and sad. but not today. what a revelation! i am calm and honestly not unhappy! will this feeling continue? or is it just a fleeting moment? it doesn't matter..what matters is at this moment, i feel fine. just fine. and i think i can truly tell myself, i will be fine in the coming days to come as well. i don't need a man to make me happy.