ManilaROSE FOREVER!

...I have opened my heart

2012-02-07T17:46:00.000+08:00

“To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.”

-- Charles Dickens

2012-02-06T18:09:00.000+08:00

as i write your name across the sky
my feet off the ground
my wings spread wide
my heart beating fast.

Crying

2012-02-06T17:53:00.000+08:00

crying..can't help myself..i don't know why. i feel so lonesome..incomplete..longing..i need you..reach out to me please.

at the same time, happy.. i found you again..let me talk to you - my blog!

the universe within

2010-12-12T16:15:00.000+08:00

after midnight
awake fully
sleepy really
but slumber not

soul turning
mind running
where from here
so far and so near

kiss thy face
lost in my dream
state of numbness
come stay please

understand not
the universe within
plays out the truth
the quest till when

UNTITLED

2010-11-29T14:01:00.000+08:00

different path
different light
sameness stays
inside of me.

lightyears away
here it will stay
smile from then
kept deep within.

when darkness stayed
the same face did
youth in mind
sanity saved.

i am here
you are here
from the start
and then now.

Patience..or the lack of it!

2010-06-17T06:07:00.000+08:00

When God bestowed patience on earth it seems I was absent. They said patience is a virtue, then I don't have that virtue. I'm not talking about patience to a child, or patience where it is needed. I went to school and had a degree and went through a rigorous training and all that. I'm talking about patience on becoming happy. I have been so patiently waiting to be happy - until now at 44, it hasn't come. I am not an unhappy person, it's quite the contrary. I am known by family and friends as a very happy, cheerful, positive human being.. if they only knew. Deep inside I'm craving for that true contentment of having someone who totally loves me unconditionally, and thinks the world of me.. maybe it's not my destiny..
I have given and given and usually doesn't get anything in return... and to the world I am not complaining..I complain here in my blog, and very few people among my friends knew this exists..And I prefer that way.. if I can change someone's perspective and help out someone from my lessons in life and journey, that would be enough for me. I don't want pity or anyone patronizing me. I say what's in my mind and I feel free to say anything I want in this blog..that for a moment I feel connected - to no one in particular..and to everyone.. somehow.

Broken

2010-06-17T05:50:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to believe that I am to live by myself for the rest of my life - that I belong to no one and yet I belong to everyone.. I have to focus on helping others through this Empowering Workshop I am formulating. I need no one to do this. And yet deep in my heart I am wishing there's someone who can hold my hand and help me guide through this. I have to be strong and learn not to rely on anyone.

Two broken marriages in 18 years - series of broken hearts, broken hopes and broken dreams... I just want a happy ending..maybe not of this world, then...

The Renewal Tour

2010-04-13T16:09:00.000+08:00

I'm about to embark to a different chapter of my life. Starts with a bang - I'm on an 18 day vacation tour to Europe - starting tomorrow. A celebration and respite at the same time. End and beginning collides. But I refuse to live on either times. I am living in the present, where I am in between. There are no more indecisiveness this time. With full speed ahead I have lots of plans - the future is bright, exciting and full of life. No need to shed a tear, for that has been done so many times in the past. With a smile in my heart i am welcoming the future by relishing the moment - now! I am happy, maybe a bit apprehensive at the same time, but not worried anymore. I have put all my trust and care to the Lord. Thy will be done!

revelation

2010-01-12T20:09:00.002+08:00

i just realized today, i can be complete without a man. i don't have to have someone's arm around me to make me feel whole...

walking along one of the most romantic places on earth - lake tahoe area - with my cousins with their sweeties, did not make me feel lonely. i was happy!

this realization didn't dawn on me until now, hours later, in the middle of the night. i usually wake up in times like this, lonely and sad. but not today. what a revelation! i am calm and honestly not unhappy! will this feeling continue? or is it just a fleeting moment? it doesn't matter..what matters is at this moment, i feel fine. just fine. and i think i can truly tell myself, i will be fine in the coming days to come as well. i don't need a man to make me happy.

GRANDMAMA - SOON, I WILL BE!

2009-12-06T00:39:00.003+08:00

About two weeks ago, my 21 year old son, Bryan, and his girlfriend Brittany, announced that I'm going to be a grandma. I was so happy! It didn't matter that they're not married yet. A baby doesn't mean, they have to get married, well, at least in my book. They have a very happy, healthy relationship and I agree with them that they can wait. It was not a planned pregnancy but it doesn't matter. I am so excited.

I've been wanting to have a baby since after Bryan was born. I've always thought that I will have more than one child. I had him when I was only 22. It wasn't a planned one either. Shortly after I had him, his father and I split up. We were never married. I got married at 24 and planned to have more children. But few years into that marriage, my husband then said, he never planned to have any more. Gee, thanks for telling me that now. I was devastated. I cried many nights for that "loss". Although, I also raised a wonderful stepdaughter, I have always desired to have my "own" daughter. A daughter that I don't have to share with another mother. But that was the argument, we already had two children. Why would I want more, he said. That marriage ended when I was 33. I felt cheated. I was cheated.

Two years later, I got remarried. It was one of the hardest decision I had to make. To marry a wonderful person whom I love but cannot have more children. He had an unreversible vasectomy earlier in his own first marriage. I wanted, or needed was more like it, to have more children so bad, but I put that need aside. That need never went away. It even became a reason to wanting to end that marriage and find another man who can give me a child. It was an ache in my heart..a deep yearning, even until now, in my 40's.

So when my son told me, I'm going to be a grandma soon, I was ecstatic! Truly excited. Miraculously, my yearning to have another child disappeared. I cannot wait for my grandchild. I already told my son and Brittany, that I will be spoiling that child. That, it is not going to be my job to discipline him/her. Why? It would be more fun to give him/her all the sugars he/she wants, then send him/her home. Right? You betcha!

I have decided I will be called Grandmama!

COLORS

2009-07-04T10:27:00.002+08:00

COLORS OF OUR LIVES!!

EXCERPT FROM CHRISTIAN ANDREASON'S thoughts about his experience with NDE

2009-03-16T11:22:00.005+08:00

I've been reading a lot about NDE - Near Death Experiences - and one of the most compelling stories I have across with was the one with Christian Andreason's.

This is what he has to say about his experience. We could all use this way of thinking...

Never allow hatred to exist within you! Do all you can to remove it from your life. Hatred is the greatest toxin known to humankind. Never allow yourself to remain angry. Anger brings disease and challenging energy. Do all you can to avoid excess. Excessive food, drink, lust, intoxicants, ambitious planning, competition, and (of course) grief, bitterness, resentment and judgment. The gray energies can easily fool us into becoming unbalanced if we over indulge in any one person, place, thought or thing. Be sure to get plenty of fresh air, exercise, rest and watch what poisons (unnatural substances) you put into your body. Drink plenty of water. Your spirit wants to help you wash toxins out of your body. Water was made for this purpose. Your body is the temple for the Spirit. The ego will do all it can to have you disrespect yourself so that you might ultimately lose your sense of importance and Divine worth. Beware of the ego at all times and look for it in all situations and people. Once you spot ego, ask God to help you assume spiritual control. Never be ashamed to ask for God's help. He is right there waiting to show you the way out of your dilemma. Seek to be respectful to all living creatures. Be generous whenever you can. Remember that Mother Earth has been a gracious host, let us do all we can to keep her a wonderful place for our children to live
…..CHRISTIAN ANDREASON

For complete story, please click on this link:
http://www.near-death.com/andreason.html

IF LOVE IS TRUE

2009-03-10T08:29:00.004+08:00

When is pain going away
My heart aches still
In the dark of night
I lay awake.

Sweet faces around
Whispers of love
Exchanging glances
Empty eyes are mine.

If love is true
When is it not
The vow spoken
No promise is certain.

The sun goes down
Eyes closed now
Arms folded
Fulfilling love.

MEANINGLESS

2009-02-25T16:32:00.003+08:00

I want to face reality
But what is reality?
My reality is mine
And your reality is yours.

I dream
Therefore I'm alive
Am I?
I'm dead - hope not yet.

In the midst of faces
I see mine
And yours
Together, but not.

Happiness is what?
If purpose is what I have
Meaning is trivial
If you're not by my side.

One..Two..or Three - That's all I Need!

2009-02-21T18:19:00.001+08:00

Life can be complicated but it doesn't have to. One aspect of life that can be simplified are friends. When we are young, it seems that having lots of friends are the most important thing in this world. We don't want to be alone. We want to be belonged. The more friends, the better.

I remember when I was young - around 13 to 16 - I was what you can call a nerdy one. My hair was long and braided most of the time. My dresses and outfilts are mostly custom-made by either our mom or my aunt, usually frilly and girly. I had my first blue jeans at 17. Wow! For appearances, I was a well-adjusted, obedient and studious teenager. I was well-liked and had a lot of friends. But I've always felt like I have to please most of them so they'll be my friends. My parents were so strict and very conservative and I was so envious that my friends can hang out and go places. I had to lie to my mother just so I can hang out with them in an ice cream parlor, or watch a movie, or even just browse at the bookstore. I didn't have extra money either for other stuff. I just had enough money for the jeepney fare. My mom made sure I had plenty of food for lunch. While my friends hung out at McDonald's, I hung out at an empty classroom to eat. Deep inside I was jealous. Jealous of the freedom my friends have. Jealous of the lifestyle they enjoyed. But for some reason, despite of my "nerdiness", I had lots of friends. I had glamorous friends as well. And life was not too bad. I felt - I belonged.

But over the years, my so called friends slowly faded away. Life got too hectic, I realized. Too hectic for them to call me first..to visit me this time..to send hellos. Friends came and went. They all got so busy with their own lives until I became with mine.

Then I realized why for some "reasons", I had lots of friends back then --- because, I always aimed to please them. It's all about them!

Now, I have a totally different definition of a word FRIEND. A friend to me should feel the same way that I do. I remember them and they remember me. They call me and I call them. They ask what I want, then I do the same. I visit them when they visit me as well. It takes both sides to build a relationship, especially a friendship. Everyone that desires true friendship should make a true effort to stay friends with that other person or persons. Otherwise, there is no friendship, just mere acquaintances. True friends doesn't judge... doesn't make you wonder how they are.

True friends, however, make you feel you're also important and always a part of their lives. They make sure you feel belong...and do everything to let you know that however busy they are in their lives, you are an integral part of it.

Took me along time and a lot of heartaches before I figured this one out. I have always wondered, what have I done wrong? Why she never return my calls or reply to my messages? Why am I always doing the visiting? Then I knew, it wasn't me. It was them. And it was their loss, not mine.

Now, I'm older and wiser and I know better. I don't need tons of friends to make my life fulfilled. One.. two.. or three - that's all I need. But they have to need me as well.

Now, acquaintances, on the other hand, I could use tons... :)

PLACERVILLE, CA - A Little Bit of History

2009-02-19T17:19:00.007+08:00

I spent my Valentine's Day with my sister Mirasol, her husband Rei and their son, Odie. Instead of usual dining out, we decided to drive around the beautiful countryside of Placerville, CA. It is full of historical facts and beautiful sceneries as well. We ended up driving in its winding roads with steep ravine on the side. Drove through the ancient Coloma Bridge. Stopped at the historical Sutter's Mills. And just thoroughly enjoyed the bearable cold and beautiful day.

Placerville is a charming California "gold rush" town named after the placer gold deposits found in its’ river beds and hills in the late 1840’s. The City of Placerville is centrally located between Sacramento, the State capitol, and South Lake Tahoe, world- famous recreation center.

The history of Placerville began with the "rush for gold" to California in the 1840’s. The highly publicized discovery of gold in the tailrace section at Sutter’s Mill in Coloma (only 10 miles from Placerville) in 1848 resulted in the migration of thousands of fortune-seekers to Northern California in the mid 1800’s. The town of Placerville was named after the placer deposits found in the river bed between Spanish Ravine and the town plaza. During the gold rush, Placerville became an important supply center for the surrounding mining camps.

For more info, click:
http://www.placerville-downtown.org/history.html

"Welcome back, Rose!"

2009-02-18T13:00:00.002+08:00

It's been really cold here in California and I was told not just here in Northern Cal but even in Southern, around LA area is the same thing. We need the rain here as the rivers' and streams' water level are so low. So it's good that it's raining so there'll be plenty of water come summertime for the crops and water activities. But this kind of weather is not helping me at all. I have SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder - meaning I get depressed when the weather is like this - rainy, very cold (40F), gloomy and dark. It's cool to be able to wear nice jackets, hat, boots and all these fashion accessories - but only for picture taking and such, not for everyday's statement ;) . I'm really an island girl at heart. I love shorts, shirt, tank tops and slippers.

So, anyway, I had to get out of the house today to look for an apartment. I'm starting to work on March 2 and I want to get settled before then. I'm currently living with my sister and her family but my son Bryan wants to move out from his friends' casa and asked me maybe we could live together. Sure, let's try it, I said. Bonding time...

So, there I was today, driving in freezing rain, dark skies and more rain threatening to pour down. I just felt so alone and lonely. And I started questioning myself for reasons why I came back here in Cali. I have a nice place and comfortable living arrangement back in the Philippines. Got some great friends and most of all, not cold like today. On and on and on...Just whining and complaining and just downright depressed. I hate it when that happpens. I'm supposed to be happy and thankful. I got a job and everyone's healthy, what else do I want?

Then I went in FedEx office to fax a paperwork to my Director. WIth a sad face and a sad demeanor, I approached a lady in the counter. Then she gave me this biggest smile and blurted out my name - "Rose, it's you!" And her face was full of gladness to see me. For the life of me, I couldn't not remember her name. Good thing she was wearing a name tag. I said, "Beth! How do you remember my name? It's been many years?" Now, I remember her, but she was just one of those people I meet anywhere and talk to. And she said the sweetest thing to me. "How could I forget your name? Your name is you." We exchanged some stories and told her I've been in the Philippines for the past year. "Has it been that long?", she asked. She told me I still look great and haven't changed. Wow! I didn't realize I am that memorable...and that, I still look good :)

But I tell you, those simple words and gestures uplifted my spirit. Suddenly, the bad weather doesn't matter anymore. I remembered the way I used to, the usual way that I am - friendly & smiley to everyone I meet. Before I left the store I made sure I said goodbye to Beth and she said "Welcome back, Rose. See you around."

Sweet words to me..welcoming..made me feel I belong again. I need those words to keep me going here...at least for now!

IN SEARCH OF ME

2009-02-12T12:55:00.002+08:00

I'm one of those. Those who moved around..a lot!

I moved to USA when I was 23. And for the next 19 years years, I moved for a total of 11 times. I can't seem to find a perfect place for me. I had a relationship before I got married the first time. That relationship produced a son. That was it. Now, I'm 43 and regretting that I didn't insist on having another one. I was married the first time at 23. My then husband didn't want any more children. He had a daughter from the previous marriage. So I raised both. That marriage lasted 9 years. I'm on my second marriage, a failing one at that. After 8 years this time, I feel it's over. No blame game this time. It just sort of fell apart. Or maybe I did. It doesn't matter now. I have accepted somehow that I don't really belong to anyone. Heck, I don't even belong to me.

What is it that I'm searching for? I don't even know. I just found out my purpose in life lately, though - that is to help my fellowmen. I have even realized how I'm going to do that. But until I'm there, I can't really tell myself I've arrived. I have to focus really hard so as not to lose myself again. I didn't even know I was lost until lately. So, that's good news.

These realizations are what keep me sane these days. It's much easier to just let go but I know I must go on - loving myself this time. For it is in loving myself that I may be able to love others. It is in giving me first, in order to give to others. I have to be healed first, to have the strength to heal people.

I have to forget what I'm searching for. Instead, I'll let fate find me...

The (Dangerous) Notion of a Soul Mate??

2009-02-11T11:48:00.004+08:00

Is there such a thing as soulmate? If there is, then how many soulmates do we have? Or maybe just one? Are there any different kind of soulmates? Do we ever find our soulmates? Would we realize if the person with us is our soul mate? What if we never find our soulmate? How long does one have to wait?

These are the questions that my friends and I discussed a lot of times. I usually talk about it like I'm the expert because no one else would have the guts to even pretend they know the answer. Yes, I do pretend like I know the answer. Simply because I truly believe and hope for the existence of a soulmate.

I believe there are so many kinds of soulmates. It can be a family member, friend, lover, or mentor. Those are the people that we have a deep connection, usually very intense, that defies logic. A connection so strong that we can say "You are the most remarkable person I have ever met in my life."

The feeling is so beautiful and so sweet and so lasting. But maybe, only if the other person feels the same way. I believe in order for the other person to be your soulmate, that person should feel the same intensity and recognize it as well. That's where the problem lies.

It can be a dangerous notion as well because most of us know it is not grounded for real life. And what is real? And what is not? Very subjective, isn't it?

THE REASON WHY HE DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER

2009-02-10T05:08:00.009+08:00

I had a deep conversation with one of my good friends and it turned to the subject of sex. She used to go out with this guy for quite a few months but they never slept together and not even a hint of intimacy whatsoever. She used to call me and asked what do I think about that. I knew the guy, in fact, I hooked them up. At that time, I thought I knew the guy well. He's a part of our extended family. He is divorced and I've met his ex-gf and so he couldn't be gay. And why do we think of that reason everytime someone doesn't do the deed, is beyond me. I'm guilty of that notion as well. Anyway, I offered a lame possible reason to my friend - maybe he's not ready. But in the back of my mind I'm asking, "ready for what?" I couldn't be straight with my friend of what I truly thought of the situation. He's not just into her, that's what I had in mind. I should have just blurted it out.

Well, they're not together anymore. Rightfully so. I found out the real reason. I had a chance to talk to the guy. The guy is a total loser, user and just plain jerk. He never really liked my friend, he told me. I was flabbergasted because as far as I know they were thinking of getting married. My friend who happens to have more resources, showered him with everything he needed and wanted - things, travels, etc. He didn't have to accept them. He should have just said straight to her face that he's not into her. But he lead her on. It turned out that the guy is a player with three girlfriends at the same time. All the girlfriends are economically better than him. No wonder I can never understand what does he do for a living. He is an entrepreneur according to him. Indeed!

Okay, so he never really liked my friend. Whatever that means. At least, give her some loving, for goodness sake! He should have at least given my friend a good time. Am I wrong?

Now, my poor friend is suffering from a really bad self-esteem. Lamenting nobody wants her, she's not pretty enough, etc, etc, etc...Poor girl! And I thought she moved on already. Until the other night we were together. She asked me the same question - how come the guy never made any sexual move with her. This time, I gave it to her. According to this guy, she was not his type, he specifically told me she's too dark for his taste and that he prefers fair skinned ladies. There! That's what I told her.

Now, isn't that just awful? His reason and the fact that I spelled it out to her? I should have just kept my mouth shut. I was hurt as much as she was. I'm not fair skinned either, you see. What I should have said to this guy is to f*** off and get lost.

I don't know why we women, have to depend on what guys think about us to make us feel better with ourselves. Stop it!. Just be yourself! We are not supposed to be chosen and picked. We have to do the picking. We have the power to get what, who, when and where we want. Period. On our own terms.

Great time with great friends in Napa Valley, CA! We had a great time dining, wine tasting and driving in this beautiful wine country.

2009-02-09T15:51:00.005+08:00

ONE OF MY VIVID DREAMS - YOUR THOUGHTS & ANALYSIS WELCOME!!

2009-02-07T17:48:00.006+08:00

I usually have vivid dreams. This was one of them...

Another girl and I were kidnapped by Russian rebels and we were brought to the mountains. There was a big building in the middle of the forest or wooded area. The building was empty of things and people. We were taken to the highest floor, and I recalled it was in the third floor. They put us and locked us in an empty room. I would looked outside and tried to peek out and see what’s going on outside. I couldn’t remember the girl with me nor recognized her. I saw that they were supposed to be American soldiers outside hiding and waiting for a chance to go in our building. They were supposed to be SWAT team or something like that. I sighed and said a silent prayer of relief, help was on the way. It’s like watching a movie, where I am the starring and at the same time the patron. I told the girl with me who was crying to shut up and that help is on the way. She was very scared and trembling from fright.

One of the Russian guys who abducted us came back to the room and brought us something to eat. He said to us don’t be scared and that they will not harm us. Apparently this Russian guy really liked me and I truly felt his sincerity that he’s not going to harm us. We were kept there for about 2 nights and 2 days with little food or water but we were alive. The Russian guy who took a liking to me was talking a lot and trying to explain what’s going on. He’s trying very hard to show me that he cares for me and truly sorry for the condition we were in. I understood him and told him. Not so much that I truly understood him but somehow to get his sympathy and hoped he will not harm us. I was able to make him talk and we began a kind of understanding. I knew he wouldn’t hurt us especially me.

Then one day, a group of American soldiers burst into our room, trying to rescue us. There were shootings and bullets flying everywhere. One of the rescuers was my husband David, but we didn’t know each other in my dream. He was half dragging me, half carrying me down the steps when I felt a thud in the right side of my neck. I knew I was hit. I was waiting for the pain but nothing came. I felt a warm liquid oozing down my chest, I knew it was my blood but still no pain. I heard the Russian guy shouting out my name and I heard the pain in his voice calling me out. Then I passed out.

Then, I woke up. Sweating and breathing hard. The dream was so vivid like it was so real. I can still feel the heaviness in my neck where I was hit.

March 2008 Quezon City, Philippines

To live together or not..at age 20!

2009-02-05T14:55:00.004+08:00

My 20 year old son told me he's ready to live together with his 20 year old girlfriend. He told me, "She's the one!" ---

I consider my son & I to be really close. For the most part I leave him alone and let him lead his life on his own. He left the house at 18 and said he was ready. I was devastated although I kept it to myself. For the past two years he lived with different sets of friends but I saw he is responsible enough to be on his own. Not that there was anything I can do. He's one those guys that he does whatever he sets his mind to do. He's been working fulltime with decent wage and been attending some classes here and there but nothing concrete. He said he doesn't like college and told me upfront not to bother helping him financially by pushing him get a degree. He's an exceptional student back in elementary years and was tested having an IQ of 140+, thus labeled as gifted, which he resented. Highschool was totally different, he barely made it. Not because of lack of intelligence, mind you, but because of his stubborness and strong affinity to breaking rules, or at least trying to.

Now, at 20, seems like he's ready to "settle down" by living together with his High School sweetheart. They were together in their sophomore years and broke up. Now that he found her again, he doesn't want to lose her again.

I am so fond of this girl that I would like her to be my son's wife someday. Yes, someday...but not yet. So I talked to my son about this. Of course, I had to make it appear like it's really not a big deal to me, otherwise, he will not even listen.

My main argument was that, of course, their age. I told him that I thought they're both too young to really take each other seriously. They're not even legal to drink yet. I mentioned my own mistakes for my past relationships, etc, etc.. I enumerated the realities of two people being together and lose respects and eventually lose their love for each other, no matter how much they adore one another - all because of their immaturity and lack of life's experiences...Heck, even older ones, make the same mistakes. I did!

I went on and on and on. Then I said, because I know him, that I really care for his girl that I feel I have to protect her. Whoah! That got his attention. I don't want this girl to get hurt again. My son is very independent, headstrong, adventurous & loves variety. Need I say more? Oh, yes...he's only 20!

Feelings

2009-02-02T22:53:00.003+08:00

A feeling of sadness is coming over me...I feel like crying right at this minute, so I decided to write it down. Hoping I could find some relief from pouring my sentiments.

You see, I'm leaving for US tomorrow night, not a permanent thing, but still. I'm leaving behind my husband, my families, old and new friends. Like I said, just for few months, but I know I'm going to miss them tremendously.

But since this blog is supposed to be for positive posts only, let me change that into a more useful way.

First of all, let me address why I'm leaving for US...I'm leaving so I can work as a Clinical Lab Scientist which is already lined up - so I can save some money for helping out my son, to attend an NLP class, and to set up my practice back here in the Philippines. It is very imperative that I will be able to do all the above. And that I am grateful to have the opportunity to make the money necessary to do these things. I am so grateful, especially in these times. I am grateful most of all, that I have found my life's purpose, my life's dream and I can make them all come true with just a little sacrifice. When I come back, there'll be a lot of changes - good changes - for the good of everyone. So, with that purpose in mind, I will set forth and do what I must do.

There I feel better already...

ON GETTING OLDER

2009-01-29T23:32:00.003+08:00

My birthday is coming up and I'm feeling all sorts of emotions...although I'm feeling much better this year than the past few years of my life. But still... I'm constantly checking up on my face on my compact mirror looking for new lines and worst, gray hairs on top of my head. And yes, I have quite a few now, ouch indeed! What is it about getting older that freak us out? Or at least me???

Is this what you call midlife crisis? Let's see, what's a crisis anyway? Dictionary says it is a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point - whoah! Sounds ominous, isn't it?

So, if this is crisis indeed, what does one do during these periods of our lives?

Recently, from a big help from my therapist - I have applied this adage in my life "Take one thing at a time!" - not one DAY, mind you, but ONE THING...

And I have found this to be working for me. I have learned to enjoy the moment, to savour the very event that's going on at this second in my lfe. And not to worry what the future will bring. Sounds easy enough - you say, but really it is.

Like for example, I had a carrot bar today, not a carrot cake that I prefer. I thought it was so delicious that it melted in my mouth and the spice was just great. I savour that carrot bar like my life depended on it. And it just made my day! But that was earlier, so let's forget that. And now, at this very moment, I'm enjoying the flow of words from my brain through my fingers to my keyboards - voila! I have this blog! And I do enjoy this moment because it's been many days that my mind were blank and couldn't write anything.

I don't know if this makes sense, but pretend it does, and see if it works for you... TAKE ONE THING AT A TIME! -- Starting now :)

Your Destiny

2009-01-19T09:21:00.004+08:00

Let your thoughts be positive

For they will become your words.

Let your words be positive

For they will become your actions.

Let your actions be positive

For they will become your values.

Let your values be positive

For they will become your destiny.

~~Mahatma Gandhi

ON CHANGING THE WORLD

2009-01-14T20:49:00.001+08:00

The following is inscribed on the tomb of an Anglican Bishop in Westminster Abby (1100 A.D.) …

When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.

As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country.

But it, too, seemed immovable.

As I grew into my twilight years, in one last desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.

And now, as I lie on my deathbed, I suddenly realize: If I had only changed myself first, then by example I would have changed my family.

From their inspiration and encouragement, I would then have been able to better my country, and who knows, I may have even changed the world
.

My Quest

2009-01-12T18:28:00.001+08:00

My quest to find healing for myself brought me here. And I found more than healing of my physical pain. I have come to know myself in the process. Forgive myself and those who have hurt me before. I have learned to let go of many ugly things and thoughts in my life. And I have learn to accept new things and be thankful for the grace I have in my life. And to know I am also THE grace to a lot of people and that I have to humbly accept it and cultivate it. I have much to offer and give and so..I begin.

This is just the beginning of the real journey of my life. And I welcome anyone who wants to join me in this quest of giving and receiving as well. Together, we can and we will make this world a better place.

So, help me God!

MY ANSWERS TO THESE POWERFUL QUESTIONS

2009-01-07T21:13:00.000+08:00

The following are my answers to Doc Strix's "powerful questions"

POWERFUL QUESTIONS
by Doc Strix

WHY IS THIS A GOOD DAY?
Today is a good day because I was more relax than usual.

WHAT AM I GRATEFUL FOR TODAY?For everything!

WHY AM I HAPPY TODAY?I'm happy because I have a clearer idea of what I'm going to do for the year 2009.

That is -

1. I will get a contractual/traveling Med Tech job (3-4 months) so I can pay for
a. my son Bryan's tuition fee ($7K) for his 6 months study to become a musical producer.

b.my NLP class ($4K for 20 days class) that I'm planning to take in San Francisco.

2. I will help Bryan get his own apartment by co-signing with him.

3. I will come back here in the Philippines with hopefully enough money to start my own business of Mind & Body Healing Center

WHAT THINGS TODAY SHOW ME WHAT DIRECTION WOULD BE BEST TO HEAD TOWARD?My conversations with my son and my sister. I was debating in my mind where to work in US when I get there. And I have resolved that I should stick closer to where they are.

IN WHAT WAYS CAN I IMPROVE TODAY?I should have exercised and did some stretching today.

IN WHAT WAYS CAN I EXCEL TODAY?By reaching out to other people today, which I didn't. I chose to stay home and relax instead.

HOW IS THIS USEFUL?
Reaching out to people? I love people and I learn each time I interact with them.

HOW DO I SET THIS UP SO THAT I CAN ACHIEVE EXCELLENCE TODAY?
I should have gone to bed last night earlier so I would have been less tired today.

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?
To help lots of people. To help people empower themselves. To help them find their purpose as well.

Manual Medicine Group: Manual Medicine Techniques - MET - Sharing

2009-01-07T10:34:00.000+08:00

Manual Medicine Group: Manual Medicine Techniques - MET - Sharing

ON PATIENCE

2009-01-07T10:24:00.000+08:00

My husband often tells me I am so impatient. And he is right. So I have to learn to be patient. At least I try to be. This quotation I found today is so true...

"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success."

~~~Brian Adams

What I learned today!

2009-01-05T22:03:00.001+08:00

POWERFUL QUESTIONS
by Doc Strix

why is this a good day?
what am i grateful for today?
why am i happy today?
what things today show me what direction would be best to head toward?
in what ways can i improve today?
in what ways can i excel today?
how is this useful?
how do i set this up so that i can achieve excellence today?
what is my purpose?

Thanks Doc Strix! Some powerful stuff there!

WELCOME 2009!!

2009-01-01T22:06:00.001+08:00

It was a quiet New Year's eve for David & I by choice. We had a big dinner with families on Christmas eve, so we decided to have a low-key New Year's eve. I even had the staff take a night off and let them enjoy their families as well. Since it was just the three of us, my mom-in-law including, we just ordered pizza and I cooked Pasta Alfredo. Along with lots of fruits and cut up vegetables with ranch dip, downed with Martinelli sparkling cider, our New Year's eve dinner was excellent.

David had a blast listening and watching the fireworks in the neighborhood. We don't celebrate New Year's eve like that in the US. There are display fireworks in the big cities and people usually just watched them on TV. So this was entirely another new experience for David.

It was for me, too. Eventhough, we didn't invite friends and families to celebrate the New Year's eve, I was content. I was at peace. For a moment there, I remembered my mother and said a little prayer. I still miss her to this day. I remembered all our other New Year's eve in Sampaloc where we grew up. It was loud & happy. Foods and drinks were flowing and our home is open to everyone. I'm thankful I have those memories.

It's 2009 now. Wow! Time flew by so fast. Nevertheless, I'm ready. I feel there will be a lot of changes for me this year. Good changes, I hope. We'll see...

CHRISTMASES OF MY LIFE!

2008-12-25T20:36:00.000+08:00

CHRISTMASES OF MY LIFE!
It was as I thought it would be! I thought we would have a very nice Christmas this year. My very first Christmas back home - here in the Philippines - after so many years. Sure, I’ve had Christmas vacations here before but not like this - in my own house as an adult.

The Christmases of my childhood was great. Christmas of 1975 was the best. We had a new refrigerator, black & white TV, and a green plastic Christmas tree (years before it was those tin ones, silver and small) and lots of presents under the trees. My sis Sol & I had matching dresses and white booties. I thought we were rich! And we were, in our neighborhood in Sampaloc - so to speak!
Christmas of 1981 - finally there were four of us sisters. I knew that was it. No more siblings for us to come. Our youngest, Bea was born few months earlier. I was 15 and senior in HS. Life was good!

Christmas of 1983 was one of the sweetest. I was 17! I remember baking a cake for the first in my life and it turned out be a big “cookie” instead.
Christmas of 1988 was my most blessed Christmas! My first Christmas with my son Bryan, who was only four months old at that time. It was not the best circumstance for both of us, as I was an unmarried mom then. But I felt so blessed because I was so happy being a mom.

The last Christmas I had in the Philippines (living here) was in 1989. Wow! So long ago…Then my maternal grandmother, Mamay, was still alive. She passed away in January 1990, few months before I went to USA with my son Bryan. After that Christmas, things were not the same anymore.
Whenever I hear Christmas songs after that one, I feel so depressed and hollow inside instead. I opted not to listen to them anymore. I would often cry and feel so all alone.

Christmas of 1990 was the coldest Christmas I’ve ever had - literally & figuratively. That was my first Christmas without my parents, sisters, friends, relatives & loved ones. My very first Christmas away from home. My very first Christmas in the US - Iowa, USA to be exact. The weather was minus 26 degrees. We were renting a hundred year old house with no heater in the bedrooms upstairs. God! It was so cold…

Christmas of 1994 was better, it was my Mama’s first Christmas in US. We were residing in Texas at that time. So weatherwise, it was much better also.
Christmas 1999 was different. I was single again. Just got divorced earlier that year. Just moved to California. I could say it was the most liberating Christmas of my life.

Christmas 2000 was the last Christmas we would all be together. That was Mama’s last Christmas in the Philippines and of this world.

Christmas 2001 was the worst Christmas of my life. The first Christmas without my mother. I fully remember what we did that year. Because I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas, I begged David to forget Christmas that year - it was our first Christmas as married couple. But the pain in my heart was so deep for missing Mama so much. So we went out of town - Santa Cruz, CA - Bryan, my mom-in-law, David & I and stayed in a local hotel. I didn’t want to be home and be reminded of Mama, or the lack of her.

After many years of these different kind of Christmases, I’m back home in the Philippines. And I have to thank my husband David for making this possible. I never thought I would be back residing in the Philippines again. Although it was not the same Christmas I had when I was younger, in so many ways it is better.

FEU-HS82 CHRISTMAS PARTY 2008

2008-12-22T22:37:00.000+08:00

Held at Valle Verde 5 on December 20, 2008

Great Friends! Great Food! Great Party!

Visceral Manipulation Workshop by Doc Strix

2008-12-22T00:19:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas!

2008-12-17T11:01:00.000+08:00

I have to remind myself —

the real meaning of the season.
to count my blessings;

to smile and forget the pain;

to forgive and forget;

to love and give my heart —my all - to Jesus, my Lord!

For Christmas is here!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR TO ALL!!